THE DAILY CHEW™

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Family, Teams, and Tension in Upper Manhattan

Growing up in Washington Heights, family gatherings could feel like jazz—everybody playing their part, sometimes in harmony, sometimes in chaos. I wished early on that I could “read the room”—to know what people really needed, not just what they said. Turns out, whether leading a meeting or loving my family, tuning into someone’s Core Driver is often the secret to loving them… and weathering the tough moments.

Maybe This Is You…

Do you ever clash with someone and walk away thinking, “What was that really about?” Or see a team member pull back after feedback, or a loved one light up just for being included? If so, you’ve already started to spot the power of Core Drivers at work. The real question is: how do you get better at discernment, so you can care for others where it counts?

Compassionate Detective Work: A Step-by-Step Guide

Step 1: Listen to the Pain Points and Passions

Notice what someone talks about most when they’re:

• Excited (bragging or celebrating)
• Upset (venting, withdrawing, lashing out)
• Anxious (preoccupied, overpreparing, restless)

Step 2: Watch for Typical Clues by Driver

• Security: They want backup plans, ask “What could go wrong?” Hate risk.
• Acceptance: They scan for group harmony, worry about being out of the loop, light up when included.
• Love: Sensitive to personal warmth or distance. Go out of their way for 1:1 connections.
• Value: Mention their experience, skills, or the need to be “seen.” React strongly to feedback.
• Enjoyment: Get bored easily, suggest fun or new approaches, wilt in monotony.
• Significance: Talk about making a difference, being recognized, legacy, big-picture outcomes.

Step 3: Notice Emotional Reactions to Triggers

• Are they thrown off when a routine changes (Security)?
• Hurt by being left out (Acceptance)?
• Deflate after distance or “coldness” from others (Love)?
• Defend their record when critiqued (Value)?
• Visibly drained in boring settings, perk up with creativity or variety (Enjoyment)?
• Go silent or sad when their work seems unnoticed (Significance)?

Step 4: Ask the “What’s at Stake?” Question

In conflict, feedback, or stress:

• “What did they actually fear or lose?”
• “What are they actually fighting to protect?”
  The answer almost always maps to one (maybe two) Core Drivers.

Step 5: Test Your Hunch (And Proceed Gently)

You don’t have to be perfect.
Try reflecting back: “You seem really energized when ____ happens,” or “I noticed you pulled away when _____. Did that feel like being left out (or underappreciated, or unseen)?”
Watch if they open up, correct you, or soften. When people feel “named” rightly at the core, defenses usually drop.

One Example, Six Drivers

A teammate reacts strongly to being left out of a meeting.

• If it’s Acceptance, they’ll talk about being “out of the loop.”
• If it’s Value, it might sound like: “They don’t trust my expertise.”
• If it’s Significance, it’s about purpose: “My work doesn’t even matter.”
• If it’s Love,: “I thought I mattered to them personally.”
• If it’s Security,: “No one kept me updated—I don’t know what’s changing.”
• If it’s Enjoyment,: “All the good energy or creativity happened without me.”

Remember This

Everyone leads with a longing. Most conflicts and confusions are Core Driver collisions, not just personality quirks. If you approach others as Gospel-needy and Gospel-gifted at the level of their deep driver, you’ll not only lead better—you’ll love like Jesus.

CHEW On This™

“If I viewed the person in front of me as driven by a real longing for [security, acceptance, love, value, enjoyment, or significance], how would I respond differently, speak more gently, or serve them better today?”

Lean in—Christ sees their ache and yours. With Him, seeing is the first step to loving.

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Chew on God’s Love. Live Transformed. Multiply Hope.