The Daily CHEW™
Moving God’s Love from Head to Heart for Christian Professionals
Mark sits in his counselor’s office, frustrated. “I’m trying to lead my family well. But my wife constantly challenges me, questions my decisions, and seems disappointed in everything I do. How am I supposed to love her sacrificially when she won’t respect me?” Across town, his wife Lisa sits with her own counselor, tearful. “He says he loves me, but he’s passive, distant, and won’t step up spiritually. The Bible says I’m supposed to respect him—but how can I respect someone who’s failing at the most basic parts of being a husband?” Both are asking the same question from different angles: What does biblical love look like when your spouse isn’t holding up their end? For Christian couples caught in this painful cycle, the tension is real: husbands are called to sacrificial love, wives are called to respectful submission, but what happens when one (or both) is failing? The answer Scripture gives is shocking—and freeing.
Gospel Insight: God Works Transformation in Marriage by Calling Both Spouses to Out-Sacrifice, Not Keep Score
God works transformation in marriage not by asking spouses to “meet in the middle” or wait for the other to change first, but by calling each to out-sacrifice the other, following Christ’s example. “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV). “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, ESV). These commands aren’t conditional—they don’t come with escape clauses that say “only if your spouse deserves it.”
Surprise: Research consistently shows that small, consistent acts of love matter more than grand gestures in building strong marriages. Dr. John Gottman explains that “small things often”—daily intentional moments of kindness and connection—have more power than isolated, excessive gestures when it comes to creating lasting love. And here’s the shocking truth: these commands are given to each spouse independently—not contingent on the other’s obedience. Husbands are called to sacrificial love even when their wives are disrespectful. Wives are called to respect even when their husbands are disappointing. Why? Because God’s love isn’t earned—it’s given. And all healing in marriage goes through forgiveness—releasing resentment and trusting God to transform hearts. He calls us to mirror that love in marriage, trusting Him to do what we cannot.
Let’s CHEW on this right now.
CHEW On This™ in 3–5 Minutes
- Confess (C): “Father, I confess I’ve been keeping score in my marriage. I’ve withheld love (or respect) because my spouse hasn’t earned it. I’ve believed the lie that my obedience to You is contingent on my spouse’s obedience. Help me see that You’re calling me to sacrifice first, not wait for my spouse to change.”
- Hear (H): “Father, what Scripture do You want me to wrestle with right now?”
For husbands: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her” (Ephesians 5:25, ESV).
For wives: “Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, ESV).
God’s command to each spouse is unconditional—not based on whether the other “deserves” it. - Exchange (E):
For husbands: “If I really believed God’s love for me is so secure that I don’t need my wife’s respect to validate me—that His love frees me to absorb pain, lead through service, and nourish her spiritually even when she’s critical—what would that do to my resentment and withdrawal?”
For wives: “If I really believed God’s love for me is enough—that I don’t need my husband to be perfect to feel secure—and that God calls me to respect my husband not because he’s earned it, but because God’s love compels me to honor him, what would that do to my disappointment and criticism?”
Today, I give You my scorekeeping and receive Your call to sacrifice first, trusting You to transform both me and my spouse. - Walk (W): “Holy Spirit, guide me to the next step that pleases You.”
For husbands: Here’s the step I believe pleases You: This week, I’ll identify one small, daily way to serve my wife—something I can do consistently, not just once. I’ll do it as an act of worship to You, not to manipulate her into respecting me.
For wives: Here’s the step I believe pleases You: This week, I’ll identify one area where I’ve been withholding respect because my husband hasn’t earned it. I’ll choose to honor him in that area—through words, tone, or actions—trusting God to work in his heart.
How Husbands Are Called to Out-Sacrifice Their Wives
1. The Standard: Love Your Wife As Christ Loved the Church
Christ’s love for the church is the model—intentional, self-denying, and life-giving.
- Christ gave Himself up for the church (Ephesians 5:25)—He absorbed pain, shame, and death so the church could flourish.
- Husbands are called to the same posture: absorbing stress instead of passing it on, standing in the spiritual gap through prayer and guidance, surrendering selfish ambitions to prioritize family.
- This isn’t a one-time act—it’s a continuous, daily posture of sacrifice.
2. Small, Consistent Acts Matter More Than Grand Gestures
Research shows that everyday acts of love lead to happier, healthier, and stronger relationships—even more than big gestures like romantic getaways and expensive jewelry.
- Why small acts matter:
- They build trust and security—your wife knows you’re there for her, day in and day out.
- They create emotional intimacy—consistent small gestures deepen connection more than occasional grand moments.
- They normalize love as part of everyday life—making affection, care, and connection integrated into the relationship, not just “special” occasions.
- They’re contagious—when you consistently serve, it inspires her to do the same, creating a positive cycle.
- Dr. John Gottman’s motto: “Small things often”—turning towards your partner as much as possible to create a 5:1 ratio of positive interactions to negative interactions.
- Examples of small, daily acts:
3. Tailor Your Love to Her Love Language
While research shows that words of affirmation and quality time are the most universally impactful of the five love languages, understanding how your wife specifically receives love helps you serve her more effectively.
- The five love languages:
- Words of affirmation: Verbal expressions of appreciation, compliments, or encouragement
- Quality time: Intentional time spent together with undivided attention
- Receiving gifts: Visual tokens of appreciation
- Acts of service: Practical support through actions
- Physical touch: From holding hands to sexual intimacy
- How to use love languages in marriage:
- Take the free assessment together: https://5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language
- Don’t just speak her primary love language—research shows that expressing love through all five languages can significantly enhance relationship satisfaction.
- Focus especially on words of affirmation and quality time, as these are the most universally meaningful.
- But here’s the key: Small, consistent expressions in any language matter more than occasional grand gestures.
4. What Sacrificial Love Looks Like in Practice
Sacrificial love isn’t just grand gestures—it’s the daily choices to prioritize your wife’s well-being above your own.
- Physical sacrifice: Take on one chore she hates (not all of them—just one)—and do it consistently, not out of duty, but out of love. Examples: folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen after dinner, waking up with the kids so she can sleep in on weekends.
- Emotional sacrifice: Listen to her heart even when you’re exhausted, absorb her frustration instead of deflecting it, be present in her pain instead of fixing it.
- Spiritual sacrifice: Lead family devotions even when it’s awkward, pray for her daily, confess your sin first, take responsibility for spiritual leadership in the home.
- Ego sacrifice: Admit when you’re wrong, ask for forgiveness, release the need to “win” arguments, celebrate her strengths even when they expose your weaknesses.
5. Use CHEW Questions Throughout the Day to Overcome Resentment and Withdrawal
When you’re tempted to withhold love or withdraw emotionally, pause and ask yourself CHEW questions to reconnect with God’s love.
- When she’s critical and you want to shut down, ask:
- When she’s disrespectful and you want to withhold affection, ask:
- When you’re exhausted and tempted to coast, ask:
6. The Goal: Nourish and Cherish Her as Your Own Body
“Husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” (Ephesians 5:28, ESV).
- This means nourishing her: building her up emotionally, spiritually, and physically—feeding her soul with affirmation, encouragement, and security.
- This means cherishing her: treating her as precious, protecting her from harm (including your own harshness), delighting in her as God’s gift to you.
- The shocking part: You do this even when she’s disrespectful, critical, or disappointing. Why? Because Christ loved the church while she was still sinful—He didn’t wait for her to “deserve” His love.
7. Sacrificial Love Isn’t Weakness—It’s Strength
Many men fear that sacrificial love makes them a “doormat”—but biblical sacrifice is not passivity or enabling sin.
- Sacrificial love speaks truth in love, confronts sin, and leads with courage—but always from a posture of service, not control.
- It means absorbing pain for her good, not enabling destructive patterns. Example: A husband who sacrificially loves his wife doesn’t ignore her sin—he addresses it gently and humbly, always prioritizing her spiritual health over his comfort.
8. The Call to Out-Serve: Make It Your Goal to Sacrifice More
“I tell couples to make it their goal to out-serve their spouse”.
- This isn’t about keeping score—it’s about competing in generosity, where both spouses are racing to see who can sacrifice more.
- “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10, ESV).
- The paradox: When you stop demanding that your wife respect you first, and instead sacrifice first, you create the environment where respect can grow.
How Wives Are Called to Respect Disappointing Husbands
1. The Command: Respect Your Husband
“Let the wife see that she respects her husband” (Ephesians 5:33, ESV)—this isn’t a suggestion, it’s a command.
- “See to it” means it’s her responsibility—not contingent on whether he “deserves” it.
- Why? Because respect is the soil where a man’s heart becomes pliable for God to work.
2. What Does Respect Look Like When He’s Disappointing?
Respect doesn’t mean agreeing with everything or ignoring sin—it means honoring his position while trusting God to change his heart.
- Respect the position, not the performance: Even when your husband is failing, you can respect the role God has given him—as your husband, as the father of your children, as a man created in God’s image.
- Speak well of him in public: Even when he disappoints you privately, refuse to speak ill of him to your friends, family, or children. Why? Because disrespect in public embitters him and hardens his heart.
- Affirm and encourage him: Look for areas where he’s trying, growing, or leading well—and affirm them publicly and privately.
- Avoid criticism and contempt: Contempt (rolling your eyes, sighing, mocking his failures) is deadly to a man’s heart—and to your marriage.
3. How to Respect When You’re Disappointed
Many wives struggle with respect because their husbands are genuinely failing—passive, distant, spiritually immature, or harsh.
- Step 1: Take your disappointment to God first: Before you bring it to your husband, bring it to God. Release the burden and hurt to Him, asking Him to work in your husband’s heart from the inside out.
- Step 2: Find your security in Christ, not your husband: Your husband will fail you—but Christ never will. When you anchor your security in God’s love, you’re freed from the desperate need for your husband to “get it right”.
- Step 3: Approach him humbly, not harshly: After you’ve released it to God, you can approach your husband gently and respectfully to talk about the issue—without nagging, shaming, or attacking.
- Step 4: Pray without ceasing: Like the persistent widow (Luke 18:1-8), keep praying for God to work in his heart. Don’t badger him about it. Don’t bring it up every month. Leave it with the Lord and trust His timing.
4. Use CHEW Questions Throughout the Day to Overcome Disappointment and Criticism
When you’re tempted to criticize, nag, or withhold respect, pause and ask yourself CHEW questions to reconnect with God’s love.
- When he’s passive and you want to criticize, ask:
- “If I really believed God loves me as much as He loves Jesus—that I’m fully secure in His care—how would I show respect to my husband right now instead of tearing him down?”
- “What would honoring him look like in this moment? Would I speak respectfully and trust God to work, or would I nag and try to control?”
- When he disappoints you and you want to roll your eyes, ask:
- When you’re hurt and tempted to withhold affection, ask:
5. What If He’s Harsh, Unkind, or Sinful?
Respect doesn’t mean enabling sin or staying in an abusive situation.
- You can put distance between yourself and his sin while still maintaining an attitude of respect.
- Example: If your husband is harsh or unkind, you can say: “I love you and respect you, but I can’t engage when you’re speaking to me this way. I need to step away for now.”
- Don’t get petty, bitter, or harsh in return. Entrust yourself to God, who is the righteous judge, and ask Him to go to work on your husband (1 Peter 2:23).
6. The Paradox: Respect Without Respect
This is the hardest part: God calls wives to respect their husbands even when they don’t deserve it.
- “We don’t have any loopholes with that—it’s divine. It has to come from heaven—the ability to respect your husband when he doesn’t deserve respect”.
- It’s an act of the will, an obedient act before God—and as you obey, He gives you the grace to do it.
- Why? Because in the respecting, the seeds of change are planted. When a man feels respected, his heart softens. When he feels disrespected, he hardens.
7. The Gentle and Quiet Spirit
“Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment… Rather, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight” (1 Peter 3:1-4, ESV).
- A gentle and quiet spirit doesn’t mean silence or passivity—it means trust in God instead of anxiety, nagging, or control.
- This posture wins disobedient husbands over—not through arguments, but through the beauty of a wife who trusts God and respects her husband even in his failure.
8. How to Handle Deep Disappointment Through Forgiveness
When your husband’s deficiencies are significant—spiritual passivity, emotional distance, unconfessed sin—disappointment is natural. But all healing in marriage goes through forgiveness.
- What forgiveness is: A conscious choice to release feelings of resentment, anger, or bitterness towards your husband for perceived wrongdoing. It’s not about condoning his actions or pretending hurtful words or deeds didn’t occur—it’s a courageous act of letting go of the emotional baggage that weighs down the relationship.
- What forgiveness is NOT: Excusing behavior, automatically trusting, or quickly forgetting. Forgiveness means setting healthy boundaries with the person who did the wounding, working through the emotions triggered by their hurtful behavior, and reaching out to begin a process of reconciliation.
- Why forgiveness is essential for healing:
- It creates space for empathy, understanding, and compassion—allowing you to see beyond surface-level conflicts and connect on a deeper level.
- It fosters emotional safety and security—knowing your husband can forgive your shortcomings creates trust and vulnerability.
- It’s a gift you give yourself—holding onto grudges poisons your own heart. By embracing forgiveness, you free yourself from bitterness and reclaim your power to choose love over fear.
- Research shows it works: Studies reveal that forgiving someone is one of the most significant factors contributing to marital satisfaction and a lifetime of love. Couples who practice forgiveness can rid themselves of toxic hurt and shame that holds them back from feeling connected.
- How to forgive when deeply hurt:
- Choose kindness and forgiveness: “Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32, NKJV).
- Don’t allow bitterness to take root: Bitterness poisons you and your marriage—choose daily to release resentment to God.
- Forgive because Christ forgave you: When you forgive, you aren’t excusing his actions, but you’re letting go of anger, resentment, and bitterness. Forgiveness is healing—it releases the other person, but more importantly, it releases you from carrying the pain.
- Trust that forgiveness works: Gottman Institute research shows that couples who stayed married practiced making attempts at forgiveness and repairing ruptures 86% of the time. Those who divorced attempted repair only 33% of the time.
- Remember: Your husband will never be perfect—and neither will you. But you can learn to practice thankfulness in spite of disappointment.
- For more on forgiveness:
When Both Spouses Embrace the Call to Out-Sacrifice
1. Marriage Becomes a Race to See Who Can Serve More
When both husband and wife make it their goal to out-sacrifice the other, the marriage thrives.
- The husband asks: “How can I serve her today in small, consistent ways? How can I nourish her spiritually?”
- The wife asks: “How can I respect him today, even in his weakness? How can I affirm him instead of criticize?”
- The result: Both feel loved, both feel honored, and the marriage becomes a testimony to Christ’s love for the church.
2. The Focus Shifts From “What I Deserve” to “How Can I Give?”
When you stop keeping score and start competing in generosity, you discover the paradox of sacrificial love: it’s in giving that we receive.
- The world says: “Demand what you deserve.”
- Scripture says: “Outdo one another in showing honor” (Romans 12:10).
3. God Works Through Your Obedience to Transform Your Spouse
When you obey God’s command—husbands sacrificing, wives respecting—you become God’s instrument for change in your spouse’s heart.
- Your obedience is not contingent on your spouse’s obedience—it’s an act of worship to God.
- And as you obey, God works in ways you cannot—softening hearts, convicting of sin, drawing both of you closer to Him and to each other.
Worship Invitation
Thank God today that He doesn’t wait for you to “deserve” His love before He gives it. Worship Him by committing to out-sacrifice your spouse this week—through small, consistent acts of love and forgiveness—not out of manipulation or scorekeeping, but out of deep gratitude for the love Christ has shown you.
Community + Resources
Practice with others
Want More? The Daily CHEW™ | Make CHEWing a daily rhythm
Select Resources:
- CHEW Triad Guide
- Take the Five Love Languages Quiz
- Forgiveness When It Feels Impossible
- The Forgiveness Advantage
- Mastering the Apology: How to Seek Forgiveness
Every step remains prayerful and relational—God is the active subject, we receive and respond. Marriage thrives not when both spouses keep score, but when both race to out-sacrifice the other—husbands loving through small, consistent acts, wives respecting even in disappointment, and both practicing forgiveness as the pathway to healing. Trust God to do what you cannot: transform hearts through your obedience.
With you on the journey,
Ryan
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