When an Elephant Sits Between You: How God’s Love Helps You Clear What’s in the Middle of the Relationship

2026-01-22/Ryan Bailey

The Daily CHEW™
Moving God’s Love from Head to Heart for Christian Professionals

Why this matters for you

Picture this: you and your spouse are sitting on the couch, scrolling your phones. No one is yelling. No one is slamming doors. The kids are in bed; the house is quiet. On paper, things look fine. But inside, you feel it: something is off between you. Maybe it started with a sharp comment days ago, an unresolved decision about money, a pattern of not following through, or a conversation that just… stopped. Since then, the tone has shifted. Fewer jokes. Shorter answers. More “I’m fine.”

You find yourself thinking, “We never really talk about the real stuff anymore. There’s an elephant in the room, and I hate it, but I also don’t want to make things worse.” If you’re conflict‑avoidant, you might hope time will fix it. If you’re more direct, you might swing between pushing the issue too hard and giving up in frustration. The same dynamic can play out with a business partner or ministry teammate: meetings stay “professional,” but underneath, mistrust quietly grows.

The gap between where you are and where you long to be feels painful. You want oneness, not just coexistence in the same space. You know, in your head, that God loves you and calls you to forgive, to tell the truth in love, and to fight for unity. But in practice, God’s love can feel far away when your stomach knots at the thought of saying, “Can we talk?”​

This blog is about that space between you and the person you care about. It will help you:

  • See silent disagreement as something “in the middle” to clear, not as a verdict on the relationship.
  • Use simple, Gospel‑aligned phrases to start awkward conversations without attacking.
  • Draw on tools like the Fierce Conversation Confrontation Model and “fight to be one, not to be right.”
  • Experience how God’s steady love toward you gives courage to move toward hard things and love the other person better.

*(For deeper background on how God’s love reshapes home dynamics, see “When Shame Makes Home Heavy: How to Help Your Spouse Remember Who She Really Is” – https://1stprinciplegroup.com/when-shame-makes-home-heavy-how-to-help-your-spouse-remember-who-she-really-is/.)*[1]

The Gospel meets you right here

Scripture takes relational “in‑between” space seriously. Jesus says, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone” (Matthew 18:15, ESV). He also says that if you are at the altar and remember your brother has something against you, “leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift” (Matthew 5:23–24, ESV). God cares so much about cleared space between His children that He tells you to push pause on public worship in order to pursue private reconciliation.​

At the same time, the Gospel reminds you that God’s love toward you is not fragile or defensive. “God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8, ESV). God moved toward you when you were not moving toward Him. He named the real problem—sin—at the cost of His own Son, not by pretending everything was fine.

Here are some of the lies that keep elephants sitting in the room:

  • “If we bring this up, it will only get worse; better to keep the peace.”
  • “If my spouse or partner really loved me, they would already know what’s wrong.”
  • “My job is to avoid conflict at all costs; God only wants ‘peace,’ not hard conversations.”

The truth is different:

  • God is the One who reconciles and then calls you to pursue reconciliation horizontally as a reflection of His heart.​
  • Biblical peace is not pretending; it is restored relationship through truth, confession, forgiveness, and sometimes wise boundaries.
  • Loving someone means caring enough to address what is poisoning closeness, with humility and patience.

Here’s the surprising way God’s love changes this story:

  • Because your identity in Christ is secure, you don’t need a spouse, partner, or friend to confirm that you are “right” in order to feel safe.
  • Because God is wise and gentle with strugglers, you can approach conflict as a place where His Spirit works, not as a place where you are abandoned.
  • Because His Spirit bears fruit like love, patience, kindness, and self‑control, you can offer to just listen, ask clarifying questions, and not get defensive, trusting Him to meet you as you do.

This draws you into worship (“You moved toward me first, Lord”), deepens trust (“You will be with me as I have this conversation”), and shapes your love for others (less avoidance, less attacking, more honest grace). Healing from resentment, growth in communication skills, and strategic clarity in marriage or partnership then emerge as byproducts of God’s love at work, not as the center of the story.

CHEW On This™: when you feel something sitting between you but don’t know how to start

Pause at each CHEW step below. Reflect, and answer in your own words—you’ll see a sample below each question. This is where the Gospel gets personal.

Confess

Question:
What are you feeling, fearing, or hiding from God right now about the “elephant in the room” with your spouse or partner—and how is that affecting the way you relate to them?

Sample answer:
“Father, I feel tense and guarded around my spouse. I can tell something is in between us, but I’m afraid that if I bring it up, we’ll end up in a blow‑up or, worse, more distance. I’ve been pretending I’m fine while silently replaying conversations and building a case in my head. That fear makes me more withdrawn and sarcastic; I give half‑answers, avoid eye contact, and then complain internally that we’re not close. I know this isn’t how Your love works, but part of me feels safer in silence than in risking an honest talk.”

Prompt:
Take a moment—where do you see yourself in this? Name one feeling (fear, resentment, confusion, numbness) and one way it is changing how you act toward the other person.

Hear

Question:
What does God’s Word say about His love, reconciliation, and how seriously He takes what is “between” His children?

Sample answer:
“You say that if my brother sins against me, I should go and tell him his fault, between us alone, with the aim of gaining my brother (Matthew 18:15). You also say that if I remember my brother has something against me while I’m worshiping, I should leave my gift, go be reconciled, and then come back (Matthew 5:23–24). That tells me You care deeply about what sits between us, and You want me to move toward clearing it, not just manage appearances. At the same time, You show Your love in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us (Romans 5:8). Your love moves toward the mess with truth and sacrifice, not away from it.”​

Prompt:
What Scripture or truth about God’s reconciling love speaks most directly to your current silent disagreement?

Exchange

Question:
If I really believed God’s love is patient, truthful, and reconciling toward me—that He moved toward me when I was wrong and distant—how would that change the way I view this “elephant in the room,” my fear of hard conversations, and my posture toward my spouse or partner right now?

Sample answer:
“If I believed that, I would stop seeing this silence as a safer option and start seeing it as something harming both of us. I’d be more willing to say, ‘I sense something is in between us; when you’re ready, I’d like to listen and understand,’ and then actually listen without defending myself. I’d trust that You’re with me in the conversation, so I wouldn’t need to win or fix everything in one talk. I’d be slower to assume motives and quicker to ask clarifying questions, seeing my spouse as someone You love, not just as a source of my pain.”

Prompt:
If you believed this deeply, what would change—in your body (tension, avoidance), in your thoughts (interpretations, assumptions), and in how you treat the other person this week?

Walk

Question:
What is one practical step (10 minutes or less) that embodies trust in God’s reconciling love instead of old patterns—and helps you love your spouse or partner better?

Sample answer:
“Today I will write down and then speak a simple opening line: ‘I sense something is in between us. Anytime you’re ready to talk, I’d like to really listen, ask clarifying questions, and make sure I understand you. I won’t argue or get defensive; I just want to clear whatever is in the middle of us.’ Then I will set aside a specific time window when I’m calm and unhurried to say it.”

Prompt:
What’s your next move? Name one conversation you will initiate (or offer to have) and one way you will commit to listening differently in that conversation.

Ways to experience God’s love as you clear what’s in the middle

Here’s how you can actively trust and experience God’s love—not just work harder.

1. Name “the thing in the middle” instead of blaming the person

Why this helps:
Talking about “something between us” shifts the focus from “you are the problem” to “there is a problem affecting both of us.” This reflects God’s way of naming sin and brokenness as something Christ came to bear and remove, not as your ultimate identity, and it softens defensiveness so love can move from head to heart.

How:

  • Use language like:
    • “I sense something is in between us.”
    • “It feels like there’s an elephant in the room for me.”
  • Follow with an invitation, not an accusation:
    • “Anytime you are ready to talk, I will listen, ask clarifying questions, and make sure I understand you. I won’t get defensive; I want to clear what’s in the middle of us.”
  • Then actually give them time and space; don’t press for an immediate download if they’re not ready.

Scenario:
A husband senses distance after weeks of small offenses. Instead of saying, “Why are you so cold lately?” he says, “I feel like there’s something in between us. When you’re ready, I’d like to understand what you’re feeling. I’ll listen and not argue; I just don’t want anything sitting between us.” His wife tears up, and they schedule a talk for later that evening.

What outcomes you can expect:
The other person is more likely to feel invited than cornered. Over time, this language trains both of you to see yourselves as teammates against a shared issue, which makes the relationship feel safer and more honest.

*(For a related CHEW‑shaped approach to loving your spouse in shame and heaviness, see “When Shame Makes Home Heavy: How to Help Your Spouse Remember Who She Really Is” – https://1stprinciplegroup.com/when-shame-makes-home-heavy-how-to-help-your-spouse-remember-who-she-really-is/.)*[1]

2. Use the Fierce Conversation framework to structure hard talks

Why this helps:
The Fierce Conversation Confrontation Model (FCCM) helps you move from vague tension to a clear, humble, and specific conversation. It gives you a way to name the issue, your emotions, what’s at stake, and your contribution, then invite a response—all of which mirrors biblical calls to speak truth in love, confess your part, and seek mutual understanding.

How (7 steps):

  1. The Issue: “I want to talk about how we’ve been avoiding deeper conversations since that argument last month.”
  2. A Specific Example: “For example, on Saturday when I asked about our plans, our tone got tense and then we both went quiet.”
  3. Personal Emotions: “I feel sad and anxious, like I’m losing you a little bit.”
  4. What’s at Stake: “What’s at stake is our sense of being one, not just roommates or colleagues.”​
  5. My Contribution (optional but powerful): “I’ve contributed by shutting down instead of gently circling back sooner. I’m sorry.”
  6. Resolve: “What I’d like to work out is a way we can talk about hard things without withdrawing.”
  7. Invite a Response: “How do you see this? What has this been like for you?”

Scenario:
A wife uses this model to address how she dreads bringing up parenting concerns. She names a specific evening, her emotions, the impact on their sense of “team,” her own withdrawal, and then ends with, “I want to understand how this has been landing for you.” Her husband, feeling less attacked, shares his fear of always being the bad guy, and they begin a different kind of conversation.

What outcomes you can expect:
Conversations become more anchored, less circular. Owning your part lowers defensiveness and opens space for mutual repentance and repair, which deepens trust and emotional safety.

*(For a concise explanation of the FCCM in a training context, see your “Real‑World Communication: Using Myers‑Briggs and Fierce Conversations for Better Results” deck – particularly the “Fierce Conversation Conflict Resolution Model” slide – https://1stprinciplegroup.com/services/training/.)*[8]​

3. “Fight to be one, not to be right”

Why this helps:
In marriage especially, conflict easily becomes a courtroom where each person builds a case to prove they are right. The biblical call is different: you have been made one (Genesis 2:24) and are called to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace (Ephesians 4:3). Shifting your internal goal from “prove my perception” to “fight for oneness” aligns with God’s design for covenant relationship.​

How:​

  • Before a hard conversation, pray briefly: “Lord, help me fight to be one, not to be right.”
  • When you feel the urge to correct every detail (“I never said that!”), pause and ask, “What am I trying to protect right now—my image or our connection?”
  • If the conversation derails into fact‑fighting, gently say, “I care more about us understanding each other than about getting every detail right. Can we slow down and listen for what this has been like for you?”

Scenario:
In a budget disagreement, a husband wants to correct each timeline detail. Remembering the “fight to be one” principle, he instead says, “I’m getting hooked on the details. I do care about them, but I care more about us being on the same team. Tell me what this has felt like for you.” His wife shares fears about security, and they begin to understand the beliefs and emotions driving the argument.

What outcomes you can expect:
Arguments become shorter, less venomous, and more productive. Over time, hearts soften; both of you feel more like partners and less like opponents, which makes future elephants easier to name.​

*(For more on this framework, see your marriage teaching notes “Fighting to Be One in Detail,” and your broader blog on marital dynamics when shame is heavy at home – https://1stprinciplegroup.com/when-shame-makes-home-heavy-how-to-help-your-spouse-remember-who-she-really-is/.)*[1]​

4. Start with joining, then share your perspective (JAR before JAC)

Why this helps:
The “Fighting to Be One” blog shows that if you skip joining someone’s pain and jump straight to correcting or advising, they feel unheard and often dig in deeper. Joining (JAR: Join, Affirm relationship, Reflect) before correcting (JAC) reflects how God comforts and then instructs, rather than treating people as problems to fix.​

How (simplified JAR):​

  • Join: “It sounds like this has been really heavy for you.”
  • Affirm relationship: “You matter to me; our relationship matters more than getting this ‘just right.’”
  • Reflect: Summarize their feelings and experience before you share your own view.
  • Only after they say, “Yes, that’s what it’s like,” move to your perspective or truth.

Scenario:
A husband shares deep disappointment and says, “You never listen.” Instead of instantly defending, his wife says, “It sounds like you’ve been feeling alone and like your thoughts don’t land with me. You matter to me, and I hate that this is what it has felt like. Let me see if I’ve got this…” She reflects back what she heard. Once he feels joined, he’s far more ready to hear her side and consider adjustments.

What outcomes you can expect:
Emotional intensity often drops as the other person feels seen. Both of you are more able to identify underlying beliefs and hurts, and practical solutions become easier to find.​

(CCEF often emphasizes this same movement—entering and joining a person’s experience before exhorting—as in their counseling resources hub: https://www.ccef.org/resources (browse topics like “Marriage,” “Communication,” and “Relationships”).​

5. Use simple “door‑opening” phrases for awkward starts

Why this helps:
Sometimes the hardest part is the first sentence. Having a few rehearsed, Gospel‑aligned phrases lowers the activation energy. They embody humility, offer safety, and signal a desire to clear what’s in the middle, not to attack.

How (examples you can adapt):

  • “I sense something is in between our relationship. Anytime you’re ready to talk, I will listen, ask clarifying questions, and make sure I understand you. I won’t get defensive; I want to clear what’s in the middle of us.”
  • “This might be awkward, but you matter to me more than my comfort. Could we talk about what’s felt off between us lately?”
  • “I realize I’ve been avoiding a conversation because I’m afraid of conflict, but I want us to be close. Would you be willing to set aside some time to talk?”
  • With a business partner: “I value our partnership and don’t want unspoken things to sit between us. Could we schedule time to clear the air about how last month’s decision landed for each of us?”​

Scenario:
A conflict‑avoidant spouse writes the sentence out and reads it during a walk: “I sense something is in between us; I’d love to understand when you’re ready, and I promise to listen.” The other spouse is surprised but relieved and agrees to talk that weekend.

What outcomes you can expect:
The dread of “how do I even start?” diminishes. Even if the other person needs time, they now know your heart, which often softens resistance and opens a path to future conversation.

(For more language on engaging conflict with humility and love, see “Biblical Principles for Managing Conflict, Part 1–3” on the Christian Family Bible Counseling blog – https://christianfamilybible.com (adapt your own drafts from CFB‑Blog‑Post‑Conflict‑Management‑Principles).)​

6. Distinguish task, process, and relationship conflict in partnerships

Why this helps:
In teams and business partnerships, elephants often hide inside task disagreements or process frustrations, when the real issue is relational or status‑related. Clarifying the type of conflict helps you address the right problem and protects relationships from unnecessary damage.

How:​

  • Ask yourself and, when appropriate, the other person:
    • “Is this mainly about the task (what we’re doing), the process (how we’re doing it), or our relationship (trust, respect, communication)?”
  • When you initiate the conversation, name the layer:
    • “I want to talk about how we’re communicating about deadlines, not just the deadlines themselves. It feels like there’s something between us around trust.”
  • Use the same joining and Fierce Conversation elements: specific example, emotions, what’s at stake, your contribution, and invitation.

Scenario:
Two partners keep clashing about timelines. One finally says, “I think this isn’t just a scheduling issue; it feels like there’s something between us about how we see each other’s role and respect. Can we talk about that?” They uncover unspoken assumptions about authority and expectations that have been fueling repeated fights.

What outcomes you can expect:
You address root issues instead of endlessly arguing symptoms. Team and partnership environments become more honest, which supports better collaboration and less hidden resentment.

*(For more on high‑performing teams and conflict, see “Resolving Conflict in a High Performing Team” – internal article draft used in your consulting: https://1stprinciplegroup.com/services/consulting.)*[8]​

7. Practice explicit appreciation to lower future conflict intensity

Why this helps:
Your MBTI and conflict materials show that many conflicts begin from feeling undervalued more than from actual task disagreement. Regular, specific appreciation builds a “trust reserve” so that when hard conversations come, the other person is less likely to interpret your words as wholesale rejection. This mirrors how God repeatedly affirms His people even as He corrects them.

How:​

  • Once a week, name one specific thing you appreciate about your spouse or partner (not just “thanks for everything”):
    • “When you handled that call with our client, your calm really protected us.”
    • “I noticed how tender you were with our child last night; that means a lot to me.”
  • Consider a short “superpower and support” conversation where each of you shares:
    • “Here’s a strength I see in you.”
    • “Here’s one way I know I could support you better.”

Scenario:
A husband begins regularly thanking his wife for specific strengths. Months later, when he brings up a painful issue, she can hear it through the lens of “he is for me” instead of “he’s tired of me,” because there is a history of explicit appreciation.

What outcomes you can expect:
The overall emotional climate warms. When elephants arise, they do so in a context of known value, making it easier to believe, “We are on the same side; we’re trying to clear what’s in the middle, not dismantle us.”

*(CCEF has a practical pastoral perspective on rebuilding connection in marriage—for example, “Revitalizing a Stagnant Marriage: Connection & Intentionality,” a podcast here: https://www.ccef.org/podcast/revitalizing-a-stagnant-marriage-connection-intentionality/.)*[2]

8. Know when to seek help from wise believers or counselors

Why this helps:
Some elephants are too big to clear on your own—especially when patterns are long‑standing, or when sin and hurt are deep. Scripture gives a pattern for involving others wisely (Matthew 18:16–17) and treating conflict as a discipleship issue, not just a private annoyance.

How:

  • If repeated attempts to clear things lovingly go nowhere, consider involving:
    • A trusted, mature couple or believer who knows both of you.
    • A Christian counselor or coach trained in conflict resolution and marriage work.
  • Frame this not as “ganging up,” but as, “We care about our relationship enough to get help seeing what we’re missing.”
  • In teams, leaders can step in as mediators, emphasizing mutual responsibility and long‑term health.​

Scenario:
After years of unresolved hurt, a couple reads through these principles and realizes they keep avoiding the deepest issues. They reach out to a Christian counselor, saying, “We want to learn how to clear what’s in the middle before our hearts grow harder.” Over time, guided conversations help them name beliefs, wounds, and patterns they couldn’t access alone.

What outcomes you can expect:
Outside perspective and skilled joining can break cycles that felt immovable. As God uses others in your story, you experience His pursuing love more concretely, which deepens humility, gratitude, and tenderness toward each other.

*(To explore counseling and coaching with 1st Principle Group, visit https://1stprinciplegroup.com/services/counseling/ or the main site at https://1stprinciplegroup.com. For additional biblical counseling resources, see CCEF’s counseling hub: https://www.ccef.org/counseling/.)*[8]​

Worship response: turn gratitude into worship

Take 30 seconds—thank God for what His love has done. Worship is responding to His finished work, even when your feelings lag behind.

Father, thank You that when there was an infinite “something” between us—our sin and rebellion—You moved toward us in Jesus with truth, sacrifice, and reconciling love. Thank You that Your Spirit can turn our fear of conflict into courage to clear what sits between us and those we love, and that You care about unity in marriages, teams, and friendships more than we do. Teach us to trust Your reconciling heart, to speak the truth in love, to listen without defensiveness, and to fight to be one rather than to be right, so that any healing, growth, and clarity we experience in our relationships will clearly reflect Your work and help us love others better.

Next steps to grow in God’s love

Lasting change is always relational—God moves, we respond. Share your story, join a CHEW group, or reach out for prayer.

With you on the journey,
Ryan

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Ryan Bailey

Ryan C. Bailey helps Christian professionals live from the reality of God’s love in the middle of real leadership, work, and family pressures. For over 30 years, he has walked with leaders, families, and teams through key decisions and seasons of change, bringing together Gospel‑centered counseling, coaching, and consulting with practical tools like CHEW through Ryan C Bailey & Associates.